My Life

(An adaptation of Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura’s Āmara jīvana)

In a life consumed by sinful deeds,
no trace of piety, only evil seeds.
To trouble others and spark grim fright,
to see their suffering is my delight.
In a life consumed by sinful deeds,
all auspiciousness soon recedes.

No mercy or truthfulness within me you will find. My rule is, “Me first, leave the rest behind!” When others are happy, I feel distress; when I see them suffer—that gives me happiness.

Within my heart endless desires swell,
anger and deceit—my soul's dark spell.
The craving for pleasure drives me mad,
pride and malice adorn my thick head.

In a life consumed by sinful deeds,
no trace of piety, only evil seeds.
To trouble others and spark grim fright,
to see their suffering is my delight.
In a life consumed by sinful deeds,
all auspiciousness soon recedes.

Sloth and sleep overshadow my days,
good deeds I shun, evil deeds I praise.
Seeking esteem, I deceive all along,
lust and greed, their grip so strong.

Wretched as I am, devotees I avoid, always an offender, any goodness destroyed. Mischievous thoughts always fill my mind, at the fag end of my life, with misery entwined.

In a life consumed by sinful deeds,
no trace of piety, only evil seeds.
To trouble others and spark grim fright,
to see their suffering is my delight.
In a life consumed by sinful deeds,
all auspiciousness soon recedes.

As life's journey nears its end,
regret and sorrow are my only friends.
Now in old age, I lower my head,
forced to be submissive, my ego shed.

Bhaktivinoda, at the Lord’s lotus feet,
tells his sad story, admitting defeat.
Humble and meek, he prays: “O my Lord,
Your causeless mercy, my only resort.”

Commentary

My Life (Āmāra jīvana) is the fourth song in Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura’s songbook Śaranāgati, under the First Principle of Surrender: Dainya (Humility). The author, presenting himself as a conditioned soul, reflects on his self-centered lifestyle and approaches the Lord in a humble mood of remorse and surrender. Becoming introspective and recognizing one’s fallen condition is a crucial step on the path of selfrealization. Without understanding the nature of the false self and and striving for purification, progress in spiritual life remains elusive.

The Way of Worldly Life

In the opening verse, Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura confesses his sinful life (sadā pāpe rata) implying that a person, blinded by desire, does not hesitate to act in any way, including harming others, for personal gain. This mentality is condemned by Ṛṣabhadeva who warns his sons (SB 5.5.4): When a person considers sense gratification the aim of life, he certainly becomes mad after materialistic living and engages in all kinds of sinful activity. He does not know that due to his past misdeeds he has already received a body which, although temporary, is the cause of his misery. Actually the living entity should not have taken on a material body, but he has been awarded the material body for sense gratification. Therefore I think it not befitting an intelligent man to involve himself again in the activities of sense gratification by which he perpetually gets material bodies one after another.

Envy and Schadenfreude

Next he describes sentiments that are very typical for conditioned souls: envy and Schadenfreude (the joy in another's suffering). The word Schadenfreude, a German term adopted into various languages, reflects this mindset. It is a common human trait, even among children, to feel joy when seeing others come to harm or struggle with some difficulty. The opposite, and for a devotee, the desirable quality, is compassion which literally means “to suffer together”—a feeling that arises when one is confronted with another's suffering and feels motivated to relieve that suffering. A devotee is expected to become para-duḥkha-duḥkhī kṛpāmbudhiḥ, an ocean of compassion when seeing the suffering of others. The prime example, often quoted by Śrīla Prabhupāda, is Prahlāda Māhārāja who prayed to Nṛsiṁhadeva (SB 7.9.43): O best of the great personalities, I am not at all afraid of material existence, for wherever I stay I am fully absorbed in thoughts of Your glories and activities. My concern is only for the fools and rascals who are making elaborate plans for material happiness and maintaining their families, societies and countries. I am simply concerned with love for them.

The Gates to Degradation

In the following stanzas, Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura lists all the undesirable qualities generally seen in a materialistic person: endless cravings for sensual pleasure, anger, deceit, malice, false pride, sloth, laziness, hankering after prestige, greed and lust. All of these are considered demoniac tendencies that a devotee is expected to become free from, especially the three gates to hell—lust, anger and greed—which lead to the degradation of the soul. In the purport to this verse spoken by Kṛṣṇa in the Bhagavad-gītā (16.21), Śrīla Prabhupāda says: A sane man who does not want to glide down to the species of demoniac life must try to give up these three enemies, which

can kill the self to such an extent that there will be no possibility of liberation from this material entanglement.

The Turning Point

As in many other songs of this collection, the author reaches a turning point. Contemplating his situation, he realizes that the main reason for his deplorable condition is the lack of saintly association, sādhusaṅga. The importance of good company cannot be emphasized enough. When Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu instructed Sanātana Gosvāmī, He told him that sādhu-saṅga was the root cause of devotional service (kṛṣṇa-bhakti-janma-mūla) and that even after developing kṛṣṇa-prema (pure love of God), sādhu-saṅga was still essential. For this reason, Śrīla Prabhupāda often said that he founded ISKCON to give people the opportunity for sādhu-saṅga, which implies that by meeting devotees they will get the opportunity to hear about Kṛṣṇa, participate in chanting and experience a higher taste by taking prasādam, spiritualized food.

An Opportunity for Spiritual Reflection

In the last stanza, Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura again refers, as in other songs, to old age which he feels is forcing him to become meek and humble, finally enabling him to approach the Lord in a mood of surrender. From a material point of view, old age is unwanted because it diminishes the capacity for enjoyment and gradually destroys it completely. From a spiritual point of view, old age is welcome because it removes the obstacle of unrestricted sensual enjoyment which binds the jīva to this world. As external aspects of life become less important, one is able to devote more time to introspection. In conclusion, Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura’s poem illustrates the transformation from a life filled with sinful actions and pride to one marked by humility and surrender. Recognizing one’s fallen condition is the first step toward genuine spiritual progress, leading to taking shelter at the Lord's lotus feet.

The Original Song

Āmāra jīvana

Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura

āmāra jīvana, sadā pāpe rata, nāhika puṇyera leṣa parere udvega, diyāchi ye kata, diyāchi jīvere kleśa āmāra—my; jīvana—life; sadā—always; pāpe—in sinful activities; rata—engaged; nāhika—there is not; puṇyera—of pious activities; leṣa—a trace; parere—to others; udvega—anxiety; diyāchi—I am inclined to give; ye—who; kata—great; diyāchi—I give; jīvere—to living entities; kleśa—suffering. My life is always engaged in sinful activities, without a trace of pious activities. I am always inclined to give great anxiety and trouble to other living entities. nija sukha lāgi', pāpe nāhi ḍari, dayā-hīna svārtha-para para-sukhe duḥkhī, sadā mithya-bhāṣī, para-duḥkha sukha-kara nija—my own; sukha—happiness, pleasure; lāgi’—for; pāpe—in sinful activity; nāhi—there is no; ḍari—restraint; dayā—mercy; hīna—devoid of; sva-artha—to my personal interest; para—I am dedicated; para—of others; sukhe—in the happiness; duḥkhī—I am unhappy; sadā—always; mithya—false; bhāṣī—words; para—of others; duḥkha—the misery; sukha—my happiness; kara—makes. For my personal pleasure, I don’t hesitate to commit any kind of sinful activity. I am not at all merciful, and I see only to my personal interest. When others are suffering I become very happy, I am always speaking lies, and if someone is suffering, that is very pleasant to me.

āśeṣa kāmanā, hṛdi mājhe mora, krodhī, dambha-parāyaṇa mada-matta sadā, viṣaye mohita, hiṁsā-garva vibhūṣaṇa āśeṣa—endless; kāmanā—material desires; hṛdi—the heart; mājhe—in; mora—my; krodhī—I am angry; dambha—to deceit; parāyaṇa—dedicated; mada—mad; matta—with intoxication; sadā—always; viṣaye—in sense gratification; mohita— captivated; hiṁsā—malice; garva—false pride; vibhūṣaṇa—ornaments. I have lots of material desires within my heart and am always angry and deceitful. I am captivated by subject matters of sense gratification and am almost crazy. My ornaments are malice and false pride. nidrālasya hata, sukārye virata, akārye udyogī āmi pratiṣṭha lāgiyā, śāṭhya-ācaraṇa, lobha-hata sadā kāmī nidra—by sleep; ālasya—by laziness; hata—attacked; sukārye—to pious activities; virata—averse; akārye—of impious activities; udyogī—a performer; āmi—I am; pratiṣṭha—prestige; lāgiyā—for the sake of; śāṭhya—cheating; ācaraṇa—behavior; lobha—by greed; hata—conqured; sadā—always; kāmī—a lusty person. I am conquered by sleep and laziness and am always averse to pious activities, but I am very enthusiastic to perform impious activities. I always cheat others for my prestige, I am conquered by greed, and I am always lusty. e hena durjana, saj-jana-varjita, aparādhi nirantara śubha-kārya-śūnya, sadānartha-manāḥ, nānā duḥkhe jara jara e—a; hena—such; durjana—fallen person; saj-jana—with devotees of the Lord; varjita—devoid of association; aparādhi—an offender; nirantara—always; śubha— auspicious; kārya—activity; śūnya—devoid; sadā—always; anartha—mischievous; manāḥ—mind; nānā—all kinds of; duḥkhe—sufferings; jara jara—very old age. I am so fallen, I have no association with devotees, and I am always an offender. In my life there is not a bit of auspicious activity, and my mind is always attracted by something mischievous. Therefore, at the fag end of my life I have become almost an invalid because of all such sufferings. bārdhakye ekhana, upāya-vihīna, tā' te dīna akiñcana bhakativinoda, prabhura caraṇe, kare duḥkha nivedana bārdhakye—in old age; ekhana—now; upāya—an alternative means; vihīna— without; tā’ te—therefore; dīna—humble; akiñcana—poor; bhakativinoda— Bhaktivinoda; prabhura—of the Lord; caraṇe—to the lotus feet; kare—makes; duḥkha—with sadness; nivedana—offering. Now in my old age, with no alternative, I have by force become very humble and meek. Thus Bhaktivinoda offers this sad statement of his life’s activities at the lotus feet of the Supreme Lord.